You’re reading The Tea Library, a publication dedicated to savoring community, romanticizing life, and exploring the world around us through life’s transitions. Many posts are free, but some will be partially behind a paywall soon. I invite you to upgrade your subscription for full access to all posts. Whether you’re a free or paid subscriber, I’m so happy you’re here.
Did I have “holding back tears in a group workshop” on today’s agenda? Definitely not. But sometimes something strikes a chord that’s buried so deep inside you, it reverberates in ways you don’t expect.
As part of a women’s professional/personal development group (The Thread KC), I attended a workshop on confidence with Emily Stevens of Laidback Achievers. I won’t go into the whole presentation (reach out to Emily if you want to see that—highly recommend!), but I had one takeaway I couldn’t get off my mind at the end of the session.
As part of our discussion around confidence and self worth, Emily gave an example of how we might respond after saying something dumb at a party. Instead of beating ourselves up, she encouraged us to reframe it into self-reflection instead of self-criticism. So, instead of saying to myself, “I’m such an idiot,” I might say, “I didn’t love that one thing I said. Next time I’ll try to remember not to say that.”
When I heard this, it took me back to a moment I’ve thought about 9 billion times since high school. I was sitting at the kitchen counter with my mom, and (typical teenager) I was annoyed by her breathing—literally. I asked her, “Why do you always breathe so hard?”
Looking a little dejected, she said, “It’s from the chemo.”
My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I felt awful. I can’t even type it without getting tears in my eyes. As a 17-year-old, it never occured to me to consider her illness before making a snide remark. And, as a 17-year-old, I didn’t yet have the emotional maturity to say, “Mom, I’m so sorry for asking such an insensitive question.” So I sat there silent, and I’ve held that moment inside of me for more than two decades while trying to forgive myself for being so inconsiderate.
So when Emily mentioned reframing how we process situations where we think we’ve said something dumb, I immediately welled up. I stared into my notebook and vigorously wrote down whatever I could think of to make it look like I was concentrating intently instead of fighting back tears. But in that moment, I relived that time with my mom again, and I took a step toward giving myself grace. I realized I wasn’t necessarily a jerk, I just said something stupid—and I could make a choice not to do that again.
Let’s be honest, that’s certainly not the only dumb thing I’ve said in my life. I’ve overanalyzed a million things I’ve said to people (hi, I’m a Virgo), but that one stuck with me the most. What kind of person would ask that of their ill mother?
Leaving the workshop, I felt a sense of relief. It was as if I had permission (from Emily? from me? both?) to forgive myself for the cringeworthy question I asked so long ago. It didn’t take away the fact that I hate that I asked it, but it gave me a different way to consider how I could have walked away from it all those years ago. And more importantly, it gave me a different way to think about those situations in the future.
We’re all human. Every single one of us will inevitably say something we regret to someone we love. But reframing our reactions from a knock on our self worth to a learning opportunity for self growth gives us the freedom to make mistakes and adjust accordingly.
Do you ever beat yourself up after saying something you regret?
If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to give it a heart or restack and check out The Tea Library’s previous posts:
Kelly, this story is so relatable. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable moment with us. While this is not the same thing (and I certainly have a lot of moments from the past where I have absolutely said something hurtful or insensitive)-- something I've been working on lately is my feeling of having a "social hangover" where I worry the day after socializing that I said something silly or insensitive or embarrassing. Where I run through my head the conversations I had trying to make sure I didn't do any of those things. This is something that has started in my midlife and I'm not exactly sure why. But to your point, I need to learn to let that go and forgive myself if I did.