How Many More Times Will I See my Parents?
Experiencing the world (and each other) through travel
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I don’t remember the exact moment I realized that my parents weren’t invincible—it was later in life than you might think. Even when my mom battled breast cancer during my high school days, I don’t remember ever considering the very real possibility that it could take her life. But at some point, there comes a time when you realize that your parents won’t be around forever.
My husband and I are lucky that all of our parents are still alive and well. They’re thriving in retirement and enjoying the ability to fill their days however they please. As adults, our lens into our parents’ lives changes from when we were kids. We don’t live with our parents anymore, so we don’t see their day-to-day routine in the way that we once did.
When I visit my parents, I sometimes revert back to being a kid, which is, perhaps, both my doing and theirs. Maybe it brings us comfort of days gone by? My dad picks up after me and my mom both spoils me with home-cooked meals and also pushes my buttons until I find myself blurting out some sarcastic quip that I might have used when I was 17 (I truly hate when this happens—I promise I’ve grown up). But during this time, we’re all embracing the ache of a childhood that’s now passed.
Jesse Itzler (entrepreneur, author, and—my favorite detail—married to Spanx founder, Sara Blakely) often talks about how we don’t have five years or 10 years left with our parents, all we have are the number of visits we make. What if I only have 10 more visits with my parents?
This depressing thought makes me consider how I can build more time into our lives together. We live in different cities, and we don’t have kids (i.e. no seeing each other at tee ball games), so how do we dedicate more time to enjoy each other’s company?
My husband and I have long talked about wanting to take an extended trip with each set of our parents while they (and we) are still healthy enough to enjoy it. We do family trips here and there with our siblings and nieces/nephews (the pediatric militia, as my husband calls them), but we wanted to experience truly dedicated time with the people who raised us.
In 2023, we sat down separately with both sets of parents and invited them to travel with us. We suggested destinations for them to choose from—my parents chose to see the lavender fields in the Provence region of France, and my husband’s parents chose Ireland (New England leaf peeping, tulip fields of Amsterdam, and Switzerland were the rejects…guess we’ll save those for another time if we’re lucky).
Traveling together gave us a glimpse into each other’s days. During our 12 days in France, we found a delightful balance of activity and rest that let us enjoy new experiences and plenty of down time with nothing to do but wax poetic about how much we loved the salted butter—a pastime we all seemed to enjoy. My dad was still cleaning up after us (he truly fell in love with the Dyson vacuum at our Airbnb), but it got us out of our typical visit routine and let us see new sides of one another.
And while we had moments of frustration (my embarrassment from my mom’s endless quest for ice in Europe and my dad’s apparent withdrawal from 24/7 television), we also had so many tender vignettes I’ve locked into my memory—lounging with my mom in the pool at our house in Gordes, eating fresh figs with Dad under the olive tree, picking lemons straight off the branch for dinner, and paddle boating on crystal blue water.
It was never about the destination, although we all adored gallivanting through France. This time together let us see into each other’s lives a bit. It gave me time to notice their hair is a little more gray than the last time we had this much time together (mine too) and how we’ve started the inevitable “changing of the guards” by them stepping back and letting us lead the way a bit more.
The bittersweet truth is that there is a specific number of times that I’ll see my parents in the future. I’m glad I don’t know what that number is, but I know it’s in my power to increase it.
We all know that time is the most valuable resource we have. But in the world of “time is money,” I find that I’m increasingly thinking “time is memories.” We can’t make more time, but we can absolutely make more memories with the time we have.
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You are a wonderful writer. My husband and I also took many trips with my mom, until she was well into her 80s. She was less interested in seeing the "things". One castle was enough. One church. One garden. Then we hit the local bars or bakeries for beer, bread and that fantastic BUTTER which we slathered on everything. Yes, maybe we could have ticked off a few more sightseeing boxes had we gone by ourselves, but the memories of chatting up the locals, listening to music and learning different cultures are precious. She always told me, "It's the people, Patty. That's what's important." Never forgot that.
Beautifully said. I’m not crying, you’re crying!